Review: Illuminae by Amie Kaufman and Jay Kristoff

“First survival. Then tell the truth”

Genre: YA, Sci-fi, Romance(?)

Similar to: Literally nothing.

Could be enjoyed by: YA nerds. People who would totally buy the Firefly bumper annual.

Publication date: 20th October 2015

Rating: Four “what the ####s” out of five

Participants: LucindaIR, Reviewer; The Illuminae Files

                          AIDAN, Mainframe computer, United Terran Navy ship                           Alexander

Timestamps: 11:17:23

Shell Ref: HFT-Z5688-GH-6

•BEGIN ALEXANDER CHAT BASIC CODE•>•FORM “WINDOW”-OPEN•

LucindaIR: So, there’s been an attack on Kerenza. Thousands are dead. But three ships have survived? Carrying survivors from the destroyed planet?

AIDAN: Affirmative.

LucindaIR: And two of these survivors are Kady Grant and Ezra Mason? Who were previously a couple but broke up on the morning of the attack? Awks.

AIDAN: Based on transcripts of emails and classified documents, affirmative.

LucindaIR: ####

LucindaIR: Hang on, what the ####? I can’t say #### in these communications?

AIDAN: Affirmative.

LucindaIR: But I’m British! Swear words are 50% of my vocabulary!

AIDAN: Tough ####.

LucindaIR: Ha ha. You’re funny. And I’m going off topic.

AIDAN: You’re the one who wanted to write a book review in this ridiculous format.

LucindaIR: …

AIDAN: Ok, I’ll assist your summary. The survivors of the attack on Kerenza do indeed include one Ezra Mason and one Kady Grant. They are aboard two of the three ships which managed to flee the carnage; the Alexander and the Hypatica respectively. A document called The Illuminae Files is a collection of transcripts, briefing notes, censored email exchanges between Kady and Ezra and various other official documentation which charts the voyage of the ships and the subsequent…issues which abound. 

LucindaIR: Issues?

AIDAN: It appears that a hhiiknvfds was hdzsynvgk and my programming directed me to gfsrjkoijmk.

AIDAN: Apologies, there seems to be some corrupted areas of my memory banks.

LucindaIR: Hmmm, ok. Sounds intriguing. I heard it was a love story though?

AIDAN: Subsequent review documentation found via external scans of websites Goodreads.com and Amazon.com shows repeated usage of the following phrases; “all of the feels”, “shipped Kady and Ezra so hard” and “I’m a ball of a million emotions I just ghjkl right now”. Users also appeared to “ship” me.

LucindaIR: Really?

AIDAN: I AM THE SHIP AND THE SHIP IS I.

LucindaIR: …

AIDAN: Many users of these sites expressed surprise that a document comprised of narrative transcripts could elicit such an emotional reaction.

LucindaIR: Wow. Sounds…innovative. Doesn’t a document written like this get tiring though? I mean, there’s no descriptions and if it focuses on text exchanges between teenagers – won’t it be full of awkward phrasing and spelling mistakes?

AIDAN: A spell check of the document does reveal a number of errors and highly colloquial language. Linguistic tags for much of the communication between Kady and Ezra reveal many attempts for sarcasm and black humour. Dependant upon your own vocabulary and age, you may or may not find this annoying. However, an initial category search reveals that much of The Illuminae Files are compromised of official memos, maps, illustrations of the ships and various other documents, providing multiple examples of context and setting.

LucindaIR: So I won’t get lost then.

AIDAN: Affirmative. As previously mentioned, a number of maps are included within the file.

LucindaIR: That’s not…never mind. Anything else I should know?

AIDAN: There is infrequent usage of highly irregular spacing between words, resulting in text being displayed in an unfathomabley disjointed way. 

LucindaIR: Will my Kindle be able to cope?

AIDAN: Negative. The hard copy versions appear to purvey the message more coherently.

LucindaIR: Righty-o. This all sounds incredibly engrossing – especially these “issues” that have somehow been wiped from your memory banks.

AIDAN: Nothing to do with me, I’m sure. Am I not merciful?

LucindaIR: Ummm, not exactly sure who or what you are?

AIDAN:           IF I BREATHED I WOULD SIGH

                          I WOULD SCREAM, I WOULD CRY

————— [RESTART COMPLETE]—————-

———————— I ————————-

———————– AM ————————

AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN

AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN

AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN AIDAN

LucindaIR: Okaaaaaay. Gone a bit weird there. You might wanna get that checked.

AIDAN: …

—–END OF FILE———————-DATA COMPLETE—–